Family relations 101
What have we learned in the last 4–5 years? People really love, or really hate Donald Trump. What else have we learned? Everybody likes to post their “expert” opinions and debate people on Facebook, and by people, I mean your brother in law Steve, likes to argue with his brother Matt, in front of everybody they know…about the finer details of the CDC’s policy on exactly how they measure the COVID-19 blah blah blah blah, you get the point. I’ve watched this play out within my own family. These “debates” have lead to everyone becoming increasingly at odds with each other to the point that it has ruined or is actively ruining their relationships. Why is this happening and what can be done about it?
Back in the olden days before all of our parents got on FaceBook, we used to only have to discuss everyone’s ideas and beliefs a few times a year when we would visit for Thanksgiving or National Donut Day. The rest of the time they would share their ideas with other like minded folk in mass email chains or mini “newsletters”. That was easy to ignore or opt out of. But now that we’re “friends” with everybody that we’ve ever met on FaceBook, we’re being blasted with wannabe investigative journalism from folks like your 3rd cousin Bucky Lee Boyd IV about the efficacy of the Federal Reserve’s, Federal Open Market Committee and other monetary policies. Suddenly there’s no escape, unless you unfollow everyone you know, or get off of FaceBook altogether (which is actually a great idea).
The worst offender, is someone who adopts the debate style of a YouTube comment section, and applies that to real life when you’re sitting in their living room. Instead of listening and learning from each other, one party speaks to you in the style of ALL CAPS and becomes increasingly angry and frustrated with you for not agreeing with them about fill in the blank. Don’t be that guy.
“Why are people suddendly avoiding me or not liking my photos on Instagram anymore?” you might ask. Could it be that you’ve become obnoxious? A little long in the tooth? Insufferable? “Of course not, everybody else is just failing to notice my genius understanding of all the world’s current problems.” Okay Bucky, you’re right.
I speak to you now as a hypocrite, because I too have fallen prey to this style of “debate” with people, and I used to post loads of things on FaceBook that I now regret, whether it was mean, inappropriate, or just plain stupid. Most of that behavior was happening when I was in my early to mid twenties, and eventually I realized I was a friggin’ idiot and stopped doing it. Then Donald Trump came along. Suddenly, I was turning my FaceBook back on (I had de-activated it for a time, as the temptation to spread my own investigative journalism was too big a temptation to resist otherwise).
I fell right back into my old habits. Yelling at relatives (some of whom I’d never met), and shaming other people I knew for having the audacity to disagree with me. I soon realized (again) that what I was doing was not an effective way of communicating my ideas and frustrations, but was rather an unhelpful, and divisive exercise. I wish I realized that before I re-activated my FaceBook, but I ended up doing the next best thing to actually apologizing for my anti-social ways. I went back and deleted nearly everything I had said, and then not long after that, I did something even better, which was to de-activate my FaceBook, and remove myself from social media altogether.
This helped me return to and learn the value face to face (or mask to mask if you’re reading this in 2021) interaction. Each level of communication removed from face to face interaction, is a step toward misunderstanding or viewing the intent as neutral to negative. Look it up, it’s true. Ever wonder why folks who write emails without multiple “!!!” or smiley faces seem so cold and heartless? It’s because in written interaction, unless you overtly make what you’re saying sound cheerful and positive, it will be interpreted as neutral to negative by everyone else, even if it actually isn’t.
Solving the problem is likely not as easy as hitting the de-activeate account button on your FaceBook, even though that’s a positive step to take for most people. It takes understanding that other people have reasons you may not understand, for things they believe or do. It also takes understanding that people have blind spots in their knowledge, and may believe something that’s only partially true, or outright false. Now, get ready for the scariest thing you’ve ever heard . . .
There’s a possibility that YOU may be the one who has a belief that is only partially true or maybe even outright false. “But there’s no way I’m wrong! I’ve researched this subject for hours and hours!!!” That may well be true, and you may well have spent countless hours and days and weeks and years thinking about and refining your ideas and beliefs. But, some of them are surely a little off, and some of them are outright wrong, and it’s impossible for any one person to be right about every single thing.
So the next time you want to prove to everyone that ANTIFA is comprised of Methodist Sunday School teachers, or that the Proud Boys are really just a cigar club, keep it to yourself. Say instead, “How’s that new job going?” or “Is there anything I can help you with?” or “Show me that new Smart Toaster you got for Christmas.” If someone says they’d rather not talk about a certain subject, respect their request and move on to something a bit more light-hearted. It doesn’t mean they’re angry with you, it doesn’t mean they think you’re an idiot, it just means they’d rather not discuss a topic that’s sensitive to them. Let’s leave heated debates where they belong, in the YouTube comment section.
Caleb Crockett is NOT a syndicated columnist for any newspaper, and definitely has not written a Pulitzer Prize winning article ever in his life.
(Photo 1 unsplash.com/@ryansnaadt)
(Photo 2 unsplash.com/@leofoureaux)
(Photo 3 unsplash.com/@jtylernix)
